Britons are officially addicted to the Internet

ONLY TWENTY-FOUR per cent of Britons reckon they could survive in a world without the Internet, according to a sensationalist new study.

Yougov polled 2,100 Britons and claimed Internet addiction has now reached unprecedented levels, with Britons apparently getting stressed and suicidal if denied access to their “online hit”.

So urgent is this phenomenon of cyber junky Britons feeling entirely dependent on the Internet for information, that it has even been given its own ridiculous name, dubbed ‘Discomgoogolation’ by "experts". The symptoms; ‘feelings of distress or anxiety when unable to gain immediate information access’, were discovered only through the supreme insight of psychologist Dr David Lewis.

As well as dramatic revelations that 76 per cent of Britons just could not live without the Internet (!), a full 44 per cent added it stressed them out, leaving them frustrated and confused when they were unable to get online.

Fifty-three per cent claimed to use the Internet “between one and four hours a day”, while a bizarre 26 per cent noted that the Interwibble was ‘absolutely vital’ to organising their lives. Without the Internet, these unfortunate souls would be forced to return the organisation of their lives to their mothers, we can exclusively reveal.

In what Richard Dawkins might well see as a positive statistic, 47 per cent of those polled reckoned the Internet was now more important than religion and 34 per cent said they would take the Internet over a month of exercise any day. The fact that most people would also happily take cheeseburgers over a month of exercise wasn’t specifically mentioned in the report.

Rather ironically, 54 per cent of those polled said they would be more distressed to lose Internet access in their homes than either gas, water or electricity. It is unclear what the effect of losing both electricity and Internet would do to people, but the results could well be disastrous.

Dr David Lewis noted, “for the first time in history we have entered a culture of ‘instant answers’. When unable to get online, Discomgoogolation takes over”.

This could well be linked to the fact that a whopping 87 per cent of Britons admitted the Internet was their main source of information, while 26 per cent said they would have no idea where to even look for alternative sources of information, without it. Try Googling “library” sometime.

What the study seems to be saying, in short, is that Britons simply cannot envisage returning to the dark days of ignorance, superstition and prejudice, pre Internet.

Now where’s my daily dose of Wackypedia and Drudge? µ